Who wouldn’t like to be really quick-witted…What a great idea: to have the ability to respond to every nasty remark from others at any time with a sharp-tongued remark that shuts the other person up.
Everyone knows the situation of experiencing an, usually surprising, unfair attack, usually in front of everyone else, e.g. in the team meeting. And that one is so “gobsmacked” that one’s mouth often just literally remains open to so much impudence. And later, when the moment is long gone, you still get annoyed. About the other person who dares to tell you something like that. But even more about yourself, because you simply only now (if at all), this cool saying comes to mind, this counter with which you would have shown all the world “not with me!”
But is it really so aspirational to be “punch-ready”?
When someone attacks us with so-called “killer phrases”, they are usually – consciously or unconsciously – trying to put themselves in a superior position and us in an inferior position. If I now counter in a sharp-tongued way, preferably so skillfully that the other person can’t think of anything else to say, then it feels really good. I emerge victorious from the battle of words. And then?
A victory also leaves behind a loser. So if I “verbally fight back” I put myself in a superior position, but I put the other person in the inferior position. Like a seesaw. Either he feels challenged and goes one better, in which case a verbal conflict is underway that probably won’t get any nicer the longer it goes on. Or, the other person is speechless on his part and can’t think of anything else to say – but in most cases this doesn’t feel good for him either. He gets annoyed. An aftertaste remains, which may also affect the relationship in further cooperation.
But what then? Truly skillfully countered would be if one managed to bring both positions back to eye level through one’s own reaction, to establish the “same height” without dealing the other the crushing blow. I don’t need an insanely exciting, creative counter for that. First and foremost, it is important that I react at all. That I remain calm and deal with the situation confidently. The easiest thing to do then is to ask a friendly query, for example, which puts the other person in need of explanation and passes the ball back in an appreciative way. And which thereby opens up the possibility of talking objectively about the subject.
For me, that would be real, confident “repartee.”
How do you deal with such situations?
Contribution by Johanna van Staa,
Senior Consultant CEVEYCONSULTING
#communication #conversation #conflict management
